Walking in the Dark

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I have no idea what is going to happen. In this country. In my state. In my town. Even in my own home. There are so many stories, nay true events, of injustice. They are not stopping. They are increasing. Injustice is being supported. My faith, my academics, my life’s work is being disregarded. Power seems to be all that matters, something that by chance of birth I have very little. I do not live in squalor or lack, but on many days I feel I might as well. Poverty sits outside my door. Worse is the feeling that if the worst happened people would simply walk right by me. As I have done so many times to those in dire situations. I am certain that Jesus is with me. I am certain He is here. Am I willing to accept whatever He has for me? I feel like a blind person walking through a war zone. I have only Jesus to hold my hand and help me and my son survive. These are days where faith is being challenged on a global scale.

Falling off the wagon, Getting back in the boat.

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This is my familiar creative cycle. Wonderful ideas, fast start, invest what I can, and then family happens. Not my son. Who is the light of my life.  Just everything and everyone else. Suddenly the demands grow and I am scurrying to find moments of time even to pray in peace. If only I had more of everything and the question I have heard over and over again. What am I going to do? I need to make more money. What am I going to do with my looks? How will I be more impressive, more organized, more efficient. Why isn’t my son smiling every second? Why is he crying? ….even as I typed this in my five minutes a call for assistance came again. Don’t get me wrong I am thankful for the moments of assistance my family gives me but the pressure is intense. Become an amazing mother while continuing to build a profitable career. It seems like an insurmountable challenge particularly when my health is calling me to change my work entirely. God is demanding I do something different. I know what my heart yearns for but how to I bring in dollars in the mean time. I can’t work the 8 hours a day on my feet job I used to do on top of my professional work to bring in extra money. I have to find a way to make money that is easy on my body. All I have ever wanted to do was learn and share what I learn with other people. Does a single mother begin the road to ministry and a doctorate in theology at 38? I believe that is exactly what the Lord is asking of me. My faith tells me our God can do anything. He can move mountains. I will follow where ever He leads me. Just one foot in front of the other. One prayer, then another, and then again. God is with me. Jesus is with me. Mother Mary is with me. The angels are with me. The saints are with me. I am not alone.