Can’t stop thinking about the ads my facebook, youtube, google everything has been sending me for masterclass.com featuring Margaret Atwood. Atwood is an amazing writer. She truly is a living legend. Her class is for creative writing. I cannot help but think it will be filled with help since her ad almost brought me to tears.
“If you really do want to write and you’re struggling to get started…You’re afraid of something.”
Well that was like hearing a message from God. No I don’t think Ms. Atwood is a God but I do believe she is a messenger created by Him. When I hear something or someone speak something that creates a visceral reaction I notice, I stop, I listen . The message of my last post was to listen.
What am I scared of and where did it come from? Rejection and even more than that dismissal. I have many, many good teachers and I have had a few truly great ones. Yet the teachers that rejected me seem to have stuck the deepest wounds. Whispers and statements that the young overachieving, people pleasing woman carried with me. Don’t try, Stop, Make Me Happy, Stop Being Different, Follow the rules, DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD.
Not everything that is spoken over you is true. Spiritual study calls recognizing the truth discernment. Discernment takes patience and experience. Discernment was simply not available for me as a young woman.
Young woman no more but I am hardly a crone. I welcome Discernment’s arrival to my party. I had no idea Discernment would be bringing such a good time.
What do you love? I know the first thought that should come to my mind is “I love God.” and it’s true I do love God but I must tell you that was not the first thing that came to my mind. Or even the fourth or fifth. It is a thought I must constantly remind myself to think. I have to constantly work to keep the first commandment at the front of my mind. Of course God made everything that does pop to the front of my mind when I ask myself that question. God brought me my son, my husband, my mother, my brother, the books I read, the art I love, even little thing like my magical hairdresser or my Phillies t-shirts. God made everything I love. He made all of those things. He made everything. Even the things I don’t love, understand, or even like.
I received a token of John Paul II. I kept wondering why and why is he insisting on being carried around with me. I got part of the answer today in my prayers. John Paul II wasn’t always a Pope.
God didn’t make me a saint. At least not yet. Maybe not in this lifetime. He isn’t done with me. I am not a completed creation. Creation is not a swift business.
Remember the absolute exhilaration of being a child when the Snow Day is announced? It feels like the skies have opened up and offered you a gift. A break from the normal routines of life. It felt like someone just went on your local news station and handed you a personal gift. Twenty four hours, maybe more, to do whatever you wanted in the house. You could play any game, read any book,listen to your favorite songs, watch your favorite movies and cartoons, probably taste your favorite treats, if you were lucky you got extra time with people in your family and friends that you loved. Snow days as a child are amazing.
Then ADULTHOOD sets in. Adulthood which leads to cleaning up, facing the cold, getting to work for many people has little to nothing to do with acts of God. At some point the joy you felt as a child is replaced with responsibilities and duties. Joy has left the building. The moment of transition from child to adult somewhere around 18 is when society dictates it is time to put away childish things. Joy is for the young only.
Should we be surprised that so many of us go astray from Christ during this time of life? Christ brings Joy. Too often we don’t learn how to keep Him (Joy itself) with us. When I lost Joy in my life. I didn’t just lose happy feelings. I lost direction. I lost clarity. I spent years searching for joy again. I found some unreasonable facsimiles. Money, glamour, prestige, sex, booze. The rock and roll lifestyle. It was never enough. I never felt as much joy as I did on those snow days of my youth.
Why not go back and discover the activities that created joy when I wasn’t looking outside? Maybe it is time to search within and find Joy again. He never went away.